By Alex Quintana

It all started with a somewhat unusual Christmas gift from my husband (also a therapist and the other half of the Healing Space): a 5-day dissection course with Tom Myers, the creator of Anatomy Trains and a world famous teacher that I admire so much. The course was to be taken — this is the interesting bit — as a part of our honeymoon across the Atlantic. 

I remember myself beaming with happiness in the cosy light of the Christmas tree…! Finally I would get to see the body from within: all of the ligaments connecting the internal organs that I tried to palpate and visualise during my Visceral Manipulation training; and the muscles that I have become so familiar with in my practice as a massage therapist. 

On the arrival to the venue in Tempe, Arizona, I saw the name above the door and my excitement went up to yet another level: ‘Laboratories of Anatomical Enlightenment’ (LofAE). To a practicing Buddhist, it sounded like a profound ‘coincidence’. It made me smile. 

The classroom interior was white and sterile-clean, full of shiny metal tables. Not your usual cosy environment full of massage couches, pillows and blankets. We quickly got through the introductions. I felt excited and quite relaxed, lulled into a sense of security by the familiar format and the class procedures. 

Then… surprise! We were to get a 5-minute tutorial on how to use a scalpel to be able to start dissecting! ‘Erm… Excuse me?’  I looked at my husband quizzically. ‘We are doing… erm… we are doing what?’ I noticed my mouth getting very dry. Surely, there had been a mistake. I was prepared to achieve my ‘anatomical enlightenment’ from the comfortable position of a fascinated and a very passive observer…

From then on, things started happening very quickly. The video tutorial was over much too soon. We were all dressed in white overalls, face masks, gloves and goggles. The bodies needed to be taken out from the fridges. I heard Tom Myers asking for help and scanning the room for volunteers. I instinctively made a huge mental step back and froze. ‘Under no circumstances make an eye contact with him now!’ I thought to myself quietly. ‘I am not touching anything.’

Still frozen, I watched the first volunteers busying themselves with the first body, and then the second, and then the third. Everything speeded up even more. There was so much to take in! Then the visual, olfactory, and auditory impressions started to look like a dream. I took another mental step back. I actually wanted to go home. And then, suddenly I remembered the Bodhisattva promise.

To always benefit others. To be there for them at the times of… well… at all times. Crumbs, how embarrassing! I felt ashamed. These people offered their bodies for us to learn and I stand here, disgusted? I felt a massive push from behind (my husband promised me it wasn’t him) and I stumbled forward. Despite of my obviously pale appearance, I tried to look ‘normal’. A second later, I was there, next to the body. I lifted it with the others, easing it gently onto the table. Uncovering it. And… I gasped.

We started dissecting straight away, skin and adipose tissue first. My stomach didn’t share my freshly remembered enlightened attitude. It was twisting and turning, screaming inside me. How embarrassing. I couldn’t stand straight, I felt like fainting. My hands, now equipped with a scalpel, were shaking. I tried to switch the bodily reactions off, repeated mantras, focused on thankfulness. Nothing seemed to work. I made the first cut at the wrist, and it opened up the door to a different dimension. I was amazed, but my stomach continued to jump and I got completely overwhelmed. 

After a break I struggled to go back to the lab. The idea of impermanence that was so familiar and seemingly well understood in my meditation, hit me in the face and gave me a bunch of good, awakening slaps. It was very difficult to be confronted with the bare reality of the nature of things. 

I wasn’t impressed. We (me and my stomach) struggled throughout the day. My husband took on all the difficult tasks upon himself to help me somehow. I felt awfully disappointed with myself. We walked to the hotel under the big Arizona sky and the setting sun. It didn’t seem as beautiful as it was the previous night. I couldn’t think of anything but escaping. I showered several times. Everything smelled of the lab. My mind was chaotic. I cried. Then, I cried some more. After hours of despair, I announced to my husband: ‘I am not going back tomorrow or any other of the 4 remaining days. I am really sorry.’ 

We talked for what seemed like hours. He told me how he believed in me, how he was confident I could do it and how I would benefit a great deal. He reminded me that this was my dream. I listened, apologised, cried a lot and still said no. Worried that our marriage might be over before the end of the honeymoon, Cintain offered to buy plane tickets to Mexico the next morning. This way we would get to the next part of our honeymoon earlier than planned. That calmed me down. Exhausted, we went to bed. 

I drifted off to sleep. I dreamed of … psoas major, my favourite hip flexor, the only muscle with its own nerve plexus, the one that I released so many times for my clients, witnessing the laughter and the tears of their emotional releases. I woke up with regret. I checked the time: it was 3am. I woke my husband. 

‘I want to see it’, I said

‘Hmm, What?’, he startled, rubbing his eyes and sitting up.

‘The Psoas.’

‘Have you changed your mind?’ 

‘Yes.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes.’

He told me he was proud of me and we fell asleep in a big hug. 

The 2nd day was hard. The fight with my stomach was easier as I came prepared this time (I skipped breakfast). But still, I couldn’t appreciate what was happening around me. Cintain reminded me to breathe. He kept looking at me with concern. He had never seen my skin so pale. The day seemed extremely long, but I kept persevering with a new resolve. We walked back to the hotel and slept. 

On the 3rd day, it started getting fascinating. With skin and adipose tissue removed it was possible to carefully dissect the muscles layer by layer. I was amazed how different they were from what I imagined. I saw the psoas major that day! I held it, then carefully detached it from the spine and the thigh bone. 

Day 4 was a revelation. With muscle layers gone, we discovered viscera. I started feeling like I had known the owner of this body for ages. We had a series of little quiet conversations (in my head). I found some large abdominal adhesions that must have been causing her pain for years. I cut them off gently and apologised for getting there too late to ease the pain. 

My husband opened the ribcage and we explored the lungs; we saw the heart, tucked away in the protective bag of the pericardium. The spine, seen from the inside of they body, was a thing of an absolute wonder. What struck me most was that this wonderful woman who donated her precious body to us, despite of being in her late 90s at the time of death, was so magnificent inside. I hope she knew how beautiful she was. 

The 5th day was exhausting and amazing in equal measure. Having removed all of the soft tissue and internal organs we got to explore the skeleton. We also walked around the room to see the other students at work and were amazed by their discoveries: injuries, surgical scars within the body, old-fashioned implants and prosthetics — testimonies of the medicine of a different era.

My eyes welled up when it was over. One of us asked if there was any chance we could pass our gratitude to the families of the deceased. The answer was no. There were tears of thankfulness all around the room, the tears that could never be received by anyone. 

As a farewell, Todd Garcia - master anatomist and owner of LofAE, asked us to take one thing away from this experience: ‘Be kind to people… be kind before it’s too late.’ 

The experience has completely changed my therapeutic practice and my life. I will never be the same. I am grateful. To my husband, for always believing in me despite of my own doubts. To Tom Myers and Todd Garcia and their assistants, for leading us through this experience with such knowledge, experience and grace. And most of all, to the brave woman who, whilst dying of cancer in her late 90s, decided to donate her own body in the hope that it might be useful still. 

I hope to be just as brave when my time comes. 

Thank You.

The Anatomy Trains dissection courses can be found at: https://www.anatomytrains.com/courses-trainings/fascial-dissection/